When is Club Kinx?  The first Friday of the month.  What date is it today? 30th May.  Yes - Club Kinx is this Friday!

You all thought I'd forgotten didn't you?  Go on, just admit it.  Well I haven't, so there.  It's just that I have been very busy lately, what with all this good weather to be sat out in with a good book and barbecues to go to.  So busy was I with these things that on many occasions I had to resort to cooling down with long draughts of Pimm's (with added fruit and cucumber of course - those 'five a day' are very important) with lemonade (the Diet option, naturally).  I need to take time out to relax really.

So I've kindly taken a few minutes out of my busy schedule to remind you all that Club Kinx is on Friday 1st June, kick off is at 9 p.m. as usual, and I personally guarantee to arrange that the weather on Friday evening will be more tolerable temperature-wise than of late (terms and conditions apply).

Be there!

The Application of Retributive Justice

Last Friday's Club Kinx saw a fair bit of retributive justice being dealt out.  And not just by me!  It seems that quite a bit of bad behaviour needed to be dealt with. 

Persistent offender Naughty Michael reported to me as previously ordered and, having already heard the charges against him, I knew that being lenient would in the long run do him no good at all.  When he arrived he was, frankly, a bit on the cocky side and I straightaway decided a bit of humiliation might help level his attitude out a bit.  So, without further ado he was ordered to stand in the reception area with a notice round his neck:

That certainly seemed to quell his desire to be cheeky.  But, mindful of the report I had received about him, I made jolly sure that he wouldn't forget in a hurry the caning he got.  The scales of justice were definitely tipped past the level, and not in his favour either!




Consider the Options

The options are:

• Come along to Club Kinx tomorrow night for five hours of unfettered (or fettered of course if you prefer!) fun and frolics and a host of jolly japes.

• Don't come along to Club Kinx tomorrow night and miss all the fun.

Well  honestly, it's an absolute no-brainer isn't it!

See you tomorrow, funsters.

Six days and counting

Yes, in less than a week it's the highlight of the month...Club Kinx!  As I wasn't at the last highlight, I shall be making sure that any outstanding punishments are administered tout de suite.  I daresay that Naughty Michael will be up there at the top of the list, which will of course come as no surprise whatsoever.  He is a garçon méchant indeed!  I have been sent a detailed report on his behaviour from his form mistress (an astute woman indeed) and will be dealing with him appropriately.

I wonder who else will be on the list?

A Stack of Cards

A little bird (well, more of  a little flock) tells me that at the last Club Kinx somebody was forcing on all and sundry, business cards advertising her dubious services, resulting in complaints to The Management from people who didn't want business cards forced upon them.  Mistress J and The Management investigated (hmmm....or maybe interrogated!) and had a Word or two, after which the culprit left very quickly with a flea hopping about in her ear.  Now, we're not against the handing out of cards as a response to a request (think: "I understand you're a photographer; I'm looking to have some pictures done, have you got a card?").  What we ARE against is being treated as an advertising forum by someone touting for business in that sort of underhand and seedy way.  Club Kinx is a not-for-profit club run solely for the enjoyment of our members and we want them to carry on enjoying it without feeling pestered.

So don't try that trick again, madam!

Signed Off Sick

Last night's Club Kinx was a feast of fun - so I'm told.  Sadly I wasn't there, having been struck down by acute sinusitus (the right maxillary and ethmoid ones were the culprits) earlier in the week and confined to barracks.  The pain when sinuses go wrong is such that I wouldn't wish it on anyone, even for a laugh, not even on really annoying people like Eamonn Holmes (although I might on George Osborne).

Anyway, my absence meant that some boys escaped their punishment.  No doubt they were doing high fives with each other and dancing little jigs arm-in-arm around the floor, oblivious to the fact that next month they're going to get DOUBLE PUNISHMENT, being last night's planned punishment plus interest of 100%.  And that's an APR (Annual Punishment Rate) even higher than a payday loan!

A good, Good Friday

It certainly will be a Good Friday - because it's Club Kinx Friday :-)

I'm sure that all those attending will have been on their best behaviour and nobody will have misbehaved in the intervening weeks since the last Club Kinx and Mistress Jaxqui and I will be having a rest with nothing to do but chat and relax and...

...oh very likely, I DON'T think!

I know for a fact that Naughty Michael will be attending, so there's one good punishment to be handed out for starters (he is incapable of behaving himself, as regular readers of this blog will know).

Punishment...for no crime!

My corrective services are sometimes called upon to be administered to a rare bird indeed: one who hasn't been naughty.  It sounded unlikely to me but Addie - a newcomer to Club Kinx who had journeyed from a land far away (East Anglia) - claimed that he hadn't done anything wrong at all.  Ever.  Hmmm. A likely story!

"So why are you standing here, keen for a caning?"  I asked him.  And his answer to that?  "Because I like it".

Well - what COULD I say to that!

The Scarlet Pimpernel

"We seek him here, we seek him there
Those spankers seek him everywhere!
Is he in heaven? Or is he in hell?
That terribly naughty boy Mich-ael?"

Oh dear!  Still, it's a paraphrase of a terrible poem which, frankly, improves the original, even down to the dodgy scan in the last line.

Anyway, we did find the elusive Michael, and we didn't have to look far; he walked through the Club Kinx door at just gone 9 p.m.

As promised, he did indeed get double punishment.  In fact it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that he got quadruple punishment.  My famously hard hand gave the offender a thorough warm-up (I'm too kind, really I am) and of course a generous dose of correction with my canes followed. 

Now, do YOU think that would have taught him a lesson...?

Oh, and I mustn't forget the dressage whip which I introduced him to.  It was very effective!

Friday Night was Club Kinx Night

It certainly was, and a very satisfactory night it was too.  Satisfactory for me, that is!  I have a feeling it was more of an ordeal for those badly behaved boys who received their desperately needed punishment from Miss Markwell.  Still, they needed it...and they got it.  And most of them stayed for more.

Reports and pictures will follow over the next couple of days.

Mad March

48 hours to go until March's Club Kinx.  I just hope you are all prepared!  I am, of course.  My kit is ship-shape and Bristol fashion and raring to go as it waits for the off with bated breath.   (Why DOES it keep mixing its metaphors?  Must be those ill-educated birch rods trying to be clever - they weren't in school as much as the canes). 

I have it on good authority (his) that the Scarlet Pimpernel of the fetish scene, Michael, will be there.  He will be getting something his buttocks won't forget in a hurry.  Maybe I will take a picture or two! 

A few days later...

... and some sorry creatures are still feeling the effects of their visit to Club Kinx last Friday.  Good!  They jolly well deserved what they got.  If people are going to misbehave and totally fail to follow the valuable advice I give them about how to conduct themselves, then they shouldn't complain when they are chastised because of it.  They do complain of course, but I can soon quieten that sort of nonsense.  And I do!

It was a great night, as ever, although pretty darned cold, so chilly in fact that we were considering calling it a Woolly Cardi Fetish Night, there was so much wool and acrylic not being taken off.  Someone managed to jam the air conditioning on whilst under the impression he was turning the heating up, naming no names (Dave the Door), but eventually it was all sorted out and he wasn't lynched.  Probably because if he had been, nobody would have got a cheese toastie later on!  Saved by the Cheddar (and his magnificent onions).

One notable absentee was the repeat offender Michael.  I'm informed that he may be at the next Kinx.  If he is, it's double punishment for him.  If he isn't then punishment interest will be accruing at the rate of a Wonga.com payday loan, until the next time he appears.  Wow!  Mistress Jaxqui and I will have pretty sore arms if that happens.

Tonight's the Night

Yes, 11.5 hours to Club Kinx kick-off.  But surely I mean smack-off! 

Canes prepared - check.
Crops prepared - check.
Paddles prepared - check.
Prison strap oiled - check.
Spanking hand moisturised - check.

Kinx is where the In crowd go - be there or be a regular quadrilateral.

CK minus 5

Yes, five days to go until the next Club Kinx.  Hurrah!  Huzzah!  We could all do with something to cheer us up in the dark days 'twixt Christmas and the end of the recession.  Or as David Cameron prefers to sanitise it, the "crisis of capitalism".  Now there's a man who needs the nonsense smacked out of him.  I bagsy first go!

Still, we can forget all the political and high financial stuff for a few hours next week and get down to some proper Kinx fun.  My canes and their cousins, the Paddles and the Straps, are waiting with eager anticipation.  There'll be no holding them back by Friday!  And woe betide anyone who's misbehaved, because if I'm in the sort of bad temper I'm in today, they'll know all about it.  Roadworks on the M1 at 2 in the morning and then not enough sleep the next day?  It's enough to raise anyone's ire!

Still, it was worth it, I was in a comedy club in London last night and saw Loretta Maine (played by the brilliant Pippa Evans), who is so hilarious I could see her every week and still be laughing as much as the first time!  Check her song "My Love is Like a Box" out on You Tube (but she's way better in real life) or http://www.lorettamaine.com/.  We should get her to come to Kinx, all the boys would be behaving themselves that's for sure!

See you next week.  Be there or be square.

Two Thousand and Twelve...or Twenty Twelve

Only two weeks to go until the next Club Kinx - the first one of 2012!  A little bird tells me that there are quite a lot of little tinkers who haven't kept their New Year's resolutions past the 14th January, so I can see already that my cane is going to be working overtime.  Tsk.  You are SUCH a bad lot of wicked boys. How lucky that Mistress Jaxqui and myself will be on hand on Friday 3rd February to get you back on the straight and narrow!  Neither of us are prepared to listen to spurious excuses, so don't waste our time trying - we can see through that sort of nonsense without even blinking.

2012 at Club Kinx is going to be an exciting year.  In addition to our usual great nights we've got Splosh/WAM, mud wrestling and pony play events planned.  Blimey - we're going to be busy.  But like a bottle of L'Oreal shampoo- you're worth it!  Well, some of you are.  The ones who aren't will get spanked until they ARE worth it.

Warning Signs

I hope the lot of you had a good Christmas and that you all got what you asked for.  But maybe some of you got what you DESERVED...which is of course a totally different thing.  One of my lovely presents was a brand spanking new riding crop: it will be coming with me to the next Club Kinx and of course put to good use.  I was also given a wormery - yes, I DID want one - but will not be taking that to Kinx.  Even Miss Markwell can't think how to incorporate worms into corporal punishment and anyway, I'm not prepared to sacrifice a single one of them for you badly behaved lot!

Talking of the badly behaved, just before Christmas there was a knock on the door and I opened it to find not a delivery from Amazon as expected, but my naughty old friend Rob.  It came as no surprise to see him there - I'd just put the kettle on.  I said to him, "Do you know the highway code?  Only, coming to a sign showing there's a t-junction ahead is NOT an order to turn off for a cup of tea!".  To which he replied, "When did the Council put up that sign at the end of the road? You know, the one that says 'Warning - Danger of Severe Sarcasm Ahead'?". 

Well!  That sort of cheek needs to be dealt with double-quick so even before the hot water hit the tea, over my knee he went for a short sharp shock.  I didn't feel that he was actually really, truly sorry after I'd finished, so out came a rattan cane to apply six of the best which helped drum the point home. 

I had to re-boil the kettle after that little lot but we had our cups of Earl Grey and a gossip and then off he went to continue on his journey.  Not, however, before giving me the bottle of fine wine he'd brought along as a Christmas gift!

New Year...New Things!

We don't rest on our laurels here at Club Kinx - we're always on the lookout for new equipment for your kinky delectation.  That's why we've bought the Club two Christmas presents.  The first is a super-gorgeous all-singing all-dancing Fetters bench which everyone is guaranteed to love and the second is a pony cart.  Yes...a pony cart!  The pony play kinksters amongst you will be thrilled to know that next year, come the good weather, we shall be running pony play events outside in the grassy fields of the Club Kinx livery stables. 

Personally, I can't wait to give the ponies a good slap on their rumps to set them on their way.  And I've just remembered!  I've got some very effective lungeing whips which could come in very handy indeed!

Roll on summer time.

Farewell Club Kinx 2011

The last Club Kinx of 2011 on 2nd December was (as usual!) a good one, and busy too, with a queue forming of people needing their naughty sins of the year spanked or caned - and in the case of some of them, both - out of them so that they could wipe the slate clean for writing to Father Christmas.  After all, they couldn't put a fibbing pen to paper and say "Dear Father Christmas, I've been a good boy all year..." if they hadn't been at all, now could they?  But after a Miss Markwell purging punishment, they could write their lists without any fear of an empty stocking on Christmas morning!

So everyone was happy.   Especially me, as it was a chilly night, and the combination of the heat of all those glowing bottoms and my exertions warmed me up a treat!

We'll see at the next Kinx (3rd February 2012) just how many of those bottom's owners have managed to stick to their New Year resolutions.